View From The Cliff

Almost Forgot I Had A Blog!

2011-04-10T15:17:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in almost a year! Nothing major has happened other than I've gotten addicted to the games on Facebook thus the absence of my bitchin' and self-centered thoughts on this page. I have to say I have missed posting and perhaps I will find myself once more pounding these keys and sharing my adventures on my more regular basis.

Back From Seattle

2010-04-08T17:58:00.000-07:00

I just got back from a two day training session in Seattle...sorry no pictures....it was kinda in and out. A lot of fun great people in the class. It took me away from the recent problems at the resort and helped me reconnect to why I have my job and what I truely like about it.

Saturday Morning

2010-03-20T06:25:00.000-07:00

I think it's the first day of Spring isn't it? Let me check the calander....hold on...yep, sure is! Yippie!

We were out exploring the other day,just driving around forest roads with no idea where we were going and at more than one point in our jurny had no idea of where we were!

Another Day Trip

2010-03-18T18:16:00.000-07:00

Today we went back toward Fort Rock but turned off to see acrater that was formed by volcanic venting a gazillian years ago. Took the dirt road and two bucks jumped the road and we follwed them to a group ofeight. Pretty cool. Later we ventured up a logging road about twenty miles but had toturn back because it was impassible (too much snow).

A Day Trip to Fort Rock

2010-03-18T05:48:00.000-07:00

This was Becky's first visit to Fort Rock and she had a ball!
Looking North from the outside wall

Inside the crater

It stated to get pretty warm in the sun

You can see forever

Part way up the outside wall

View from about two miles away

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

2010-03-17T06:36:00.000-07:00

Looks like spring is almost here. We went driving around the other day and ran into this herd of deer.

What A Great Day!

2010-03-04T17:33:00.000-08:00

Today I reconnected with one of my step children! I haven't had any contact with them in over five years. Before their mom died we were all really colse, but when she passed away I really dropped the ball. I moved out here and never looked back. I've always regretted that. I finally got up the courage to search them out on Face Book and spoke to Kevin today. He is the third eldest of the four and a really good kid...(well, man now) It was just awesome.

My Weekend!

2010-01-08T06:32:00.000-08:00

What a week! The weather and roads have been bad and work's been a bitch! No real plans for the next two days...kinda broke,but that's par for the course lately.

I received a new didgital camera for my five years of service to the company recently and haven't really looked at it yet. Maybe I'll cruse around the area and check it out today. It sure is alot smaller than my Sony that I've been using for almost seven years now. We'll See if it's as good or not.

READ THE INSTRUCTION MANUAL CLIFF!!! :(

2010-01-04T17:53:00.000-08:00

These are thie things I see on myway to and from work everyday here in Central Oregon.

Here aresome of mybiggest fans as long as I have some apples and carrots!

What a motley crew and hungry too!

Middle and South Sister.

South Sister.

Broken Top and South Sister.

These were taken last night on the way home from work around 4:30 pst

Why I Post Revisited

2010-01-03T14:35:00.000-08:00

Here is something I posted here four years ago. Now that I'm posting on a regual basis again I thought I'd put it up for the new readers I'm starting to get as well as a reminder to myself how I felt back then and how some of those feelings are still alive.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Why I Post

The following is an excerpt from an e-mail I wrote to a dear friend this morning. I’m posting it (heavily edited} to give anyone who reads this blog a real insight into who I am and what I’m feeling at the moment. That’s why I started this blog. I don’t post these things for sympathy, or to point a finger, or cry in my beer, I post for me. I also post for whomever might be feeling what I am feeling…good or bad so they may know that they are not alone…we are not alone. I also post for hope. Hope that as I type, venting and searching for answers and solutions, others may benefit in some way even if it’s just a laugh.

Cliff

Hey!
Sorry to hear that my blog worries you...it's the only real outlet I have. Sometimes it's all that keeps me goin.You yourself are very wise. Your advice to me has always been right on, but I guess I don't know, or have forgotten how to look within myself. My move out here ended up being a dependency on someone else. That wasn't the plan, but that's how it worked out. I don't want to admit it was a mistake, and I haven't yet, but sometimes I don't know. If I look back on the last year as a whole...I haven't been happy. There was always something wrong ......I don't know...that has always made me sad. I love my job and I've met some very cool people out here, but I don't feel and never really have felt like ME since I arrived...... ....there were some bad things said in the beginning...that's when it all started. That's when I lost some of my valuable assets(my pride,my arrogance lol, my self-esteem). I found myself doing some shitty things to some very nice people...for the first time in my life I couldn't say that I am a nice guy...one of the good guys, and that makes me feel REAL bad on the inside.I try really hard to get back on track,but it all seems so hopeless sometimes. Even in the darkest times of my life I've never felt like this...so alone...afraid to do anything so here I am just stagnating,writing on a stupid blog and hoping one day I'll wake up and I'll be back in "Kansas"...one day I'll wake up and I'll be loved and respected again....one day I'll wake up and be happy...

posted by Cliffhanger Jones at 6:20 AM

Back to Work

2010-01-03T14:24:00.000-08:00

Back to work after a much needed four days off. Had a pretty good time as you could see from the last post or two. It took me six hours to move that wood up the hill to the back porch and stack it, but it's done.

To tell ya the truth it was kinda nice to get back to work. Being off is great, but this time of year with the days so short it gets boring kinda fast (also the more I'm home the higher the chance of arguments and such if ya know what I mean).

A Dose of Reality

2010-01-01T18:50:00.000-08:00

I was just up at the local Shell station to pick up beer and smokes. Now there is a girl that works there probably been there at least a year or more and I know here since I get up there almost daily (drink alot of beer, smoke too much, and buy alot of gas whatever....not importnat). Anyway, this girl is all of 21 tops, but very attractive and friendly( in another time and space and a galexy far, far away...yehaw! look out!).

When I checked out with her tonight I asked her if she went out and had fun last night. she replied "Oh yeah we went out and had a great time! How 'bout you?"
"Naw" I replied. and before I could add anything she said "Did you stay up and watch the ball drop?"
"Naw"
"Yeah I tried to get my grandmother to stay up but she couldn't either."
Ya gotta love it!

2010!

2010-01-01T13:16:00.000-08:00

Yes there really are still wild animals close by!

Happy New Year!

I started the new year off by taking a short hike and doing some thinking. I thought about the past year as most of us do. I took a look back at some of the not so pleasant things that have happened to me, not just in 2009, but 2008 as well. Most on my mind was cancer and how it hurt and how it changed the quality of my life and how I learned to cope with those changes. I thought back to when I was thrilled to make the twenty minute drive to work without having to stop more than once to pee. Then I remembered how when the pain started to go away how I wished I could get an errection again. Then when that happened I couldn't wait to get off all my medicine. When that happened I couldn't wait for the doctors to say I was not just in remission but cancer free. And that brings me to now. Cancer free after eighteen months.

All this remembering and reliving this morning made me realize that for eighteen months I was looking ahead in only small bites afraid to look too far because I wasn't sure I'd be here much longer. I also realized that it had become a habbit, this short-sightedness, and I no longer want that mind set. I want the old pre cancer Cliff back. The guy who was always optimistic almost daring in his attitude about the future. I not only want to life again...I want to dream again.

More Wood Yeah!

2009-12-30T16:29:00.000-08:00

We had a cord and a half of fire wood delivered today. Just in time. We burned the last stick last night! We've gone through two cords since the first of October so we're hoping this will take us into March if we're careful.

Oh by the way...

Old Glory flies at my house everyday! This particular flag flew in Iraq and was sent to me by my dear friend Dave when he served over there six years ago. Thanks Dave! And not just for the flag.

Cliff

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T13:28:00.000-08:00

Christmas day 2009...can you imagine? My fifth Christmas in Oregonand like all of the others I'm at work. Almost time to go home though and there is a nice dinner ahead that my partner is whipin' up. We exchanged gifts last night and had a very nice time eventhough times are very rough financialy for us right now. Things will get better. Oh by the way...

I am offically cancer free! I had my eighteen month check up on Thursday and heard the words that at one point I thought I'd never hear, "looks like you beat it, congratulations"

So indeed:

Merry Christmas!

Happy Birthyday Kathy

2009-12-05T16:14:00.000-08:00

Today would've been Kathy's 60th birthyday. She's been gone seven years now and I still miss her so. Happy birthday my love.

Looking Foeward

2009-11-03T15:31:00.000-08:00

I turned fifty-six yesterday. Who ever said life goes by fast wasn't kidding. It does. So many things go past in the blink of an eye it seems. So far it's been a great ride.

I'm looking forward now... the last five years have been great in so many ways; I moved here to the North West, made some wonderful new friends, and re-discovered the outdoors. But somehow it seems there is still something I have not yet discovered or attained. I have no idea what it is, but for the last few weeks I've had this nagging or ache within me. Something telling me there is something really big ahead.

Maybe it's time for a rediscovery or something. It's been a crazy five years since I made the big move out here, perhaps now that I'm comfortable with my surroundings it's time to set my sights on something deeper. I guess I need to keep my eyes open and my spirit alive.

It's very easy to honker down and accept what I have and go with the flow...but I think not. I'll just keep lookin forward.

Glass Butte Oregon

2008-12-01T14:13:00.000-08:00

Today I took a drive to Glass Butte about seventy miles East of Bend, Oregon. On the way back I drove to the top of Pine Mountian.

Above is a great shot of the Three Sisters. The one on the far left is the one I climbed in 2007.

The old truck got a workout today. The roads were pretty steep and rough in some spots.

Went For A Drive

2008-11-26T11:27:00.001-08:00

The nice thing about living out here is that you don't have to drive far to get to the middle of nowhere!

These were taken about 45 miles due East of Bend, Oregon near the town (if you can call it that) of Brothers.

I followed a road going North for five miles then got out and hiked around...so quiet you can hear your own heart beat.

On the way back I found this abandoned gas station.

I'm Still Alive

2008-11-24T07:45:00.000-08:00

Well it's been a year since I last posted and man what a year! Here are the highlights:

Got me a pickup truck!
Got promoted to assistant resort manager!
Became a Jets fan (go Brett)!
Got cancer!
Got radiated and beat cancer (for now anyway)!
Hair growing back strange...gotta keep it buzzed!
Gave up being a political junkie since the "Dark Prince" won.

Daily Drudge

2007-10-29T06:24:00.000-07:00

I've gotten myself down lamenting on the daily drudge. Day in day out...work, eat, sleep....work, eat, sleep...and so on and so on. It's because of the weather mostly. Very cold in the morning, nice while I'm at work, then cold again by the time I leave the office...bummer.

I'll snap out of it I'm sure. I always do.

Hey wait a tick!

The Packers are on Monday Night Football!!!

Yehaw!

Next Summer's Adventure

2007-10-27T04:45:00.001-07:00

I've set my sights on this bad boy for next year's big gig. This is Broken Top, another volcano in my area. It's not as tall as South Sister, but to reach the summit (that peak on the left) I'll need to do some vertical climbing...a scary thought at the moment but I've got eight months to build up the strength (and the balls) to do it.

Three Years

2007-10-09T05:22:00.000-07:00

Today marks three years that I've been here!

It's been along three years filled with alot of great times and alot of sad times as well.

What started out as an adventure almost turned into a disasster right off the bat. I survived though and for the most part I'm happy with the way things have worked out.

After three years I'm still not always sure if moving here was the right thing to do or not. My career is going great and I've made some wonderful friends, but I still miss my old friends and my family. But I guess you can't have it both ways can you?

The sense of adventure is still with me eventhough it gets pushed to the background by the daily grind...BUT IT'S STILL ALIVE AND WELL WITHIN ME!

With the Sisters climb behind me I'm considering a few new adventures for next spring and summer...rock climbing looks like fun (if I could find away to eliminate the possibility of death!) Kiaking is looking more like the thing next year tho. As far as this winter I may go snowboarding a couple of times (its expensive here) I skipped last winter so I guess I'm overdue.

Anyway the adventure continues...three years and counting!

I Did It!

2007-10-04T10:19:00.000-07:00

On September 21st my friend and I climbed to the summit of South Sisters. It took eleven hours from start to finish and it was the most difficult thing I've ever done but it sure was worth it. The summit is at 10,380 feet and the way up is mostly loose lava rock. It was a ball buster with a capital B!

I Know...It's Been A While

2007-07-30T13:23:00.000-07:00

I took a long break from this blog because I became tired of listening to myself bitch and decided to turn the negative energy into something positive so I stopped writng for a bit and just observed.

Things have been going pretty good this summer...my partner and I are getting along great (she finally landed a great job!). My work has been hectic as usual but still fun, and the weather has been great! I haven't done as much hiking or traveling as I anticipated though. Instead I have been involved with the yard work and just hanging close to home. I do however plan to climb South Sister later this month.

My Monday

2007-04-18T06:42:00.000-07:00

Back to work this morning....yippie! NOT! Didn't do too much this weekend. Watched alot of news coverage of the shooting at Virginia Tech....how awful.

Happy Birthday Pat!

2007-04-12T06:13:00.000-07:00

Today is my baby sister's birthday! Happy birthday Pat...Love ya much!

Back to Work

2007-03-18T05:37:00.000-07:00

Well vacation is over...
I don't know, it was ok, kinda lonely...
pretty much everything I did I did by myself (what else is new?).
Don't get me wrong, I had a lot of fun and got alot of rest,but the whole vacation thing just gave me too much time to think. Too much time to realize how unhappy I am. Too much time to see all the mistakes I've made. Too much time to miss everyone and everything I left behind.

To those of you I did leave behind, I want you to know that throughout all the adventures I had this week you guys were there too.

OK, so on with the show...

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

2007-03-17T07:32:00.002-07:00

What a Day!

2007-03-16T19:36:00.000-07:00

Today I hiked to the summit of Black Butte. This volcano rises 3,000ft and it was really challenging. Just to get to the trail head you have to drive five mules up a narrow gravel road which turns into a VERY narrow dirt and rock strewn road.

Once at the trail it wasn't too bad (just steep) until patches of snow started to appear on the trail.

Here are some views of the hike up;

The last 100 yards was covered with about four feet of snow. By this time the air temp. was nearing seventy, so to avoid a slide which could easily turn into an avalanche (not good), I had to cut straight up over snow that was in the shade and still hard.

The view from the top is pretty much indescribable:

There is rubble from the old fire watch tower which was built in the thirties up there and a small cabin used by the rangers during fire season.

The trip down was just as hard as climbing up because the snow was melting (it's so quiet up there you can actually hear it melt). At one point I gave up and just slid down a few yards on my butt and back pack!
The ride back down:

So that was the day. I had been looking forward to making this trip ever since I first saw the Butte more than two years ago and I'm so glad I finally got to do it.

Day Tripper Part 2

2007-03-15T13:31:00.000-07:00

These were taken on the banks of the Deschutes River just outside of Bend, Oregon this morning.

Day Tripper

2007-03-15T13:15:00.000-07:00

Took a little drive outside of town this morning. This is what I found:

Two Days 'Till Vacation!

2007-03-08T06:50:00.000-08:00

Now I'm getting excited. I don't have any solid plans or anything, it's just the thought of staying home with no e-mails or phone calls for eight whole days...man that's sweet!

First Hike of 2007

2007-03-06T06:15:00.000-08:00

I climbed Smith Rock in Central Oregon yesterday...the first real work out since knee surgery. I went alone with just my back pack, lunch, water, and ofcourse my camera. It was a pretty challenging trek. You gain about 900 feet in altitude and do that very quickly by taking switch-backs at up to 60 degree angles, but once up there it's fantastic. The main attraction is a 400 foot spire known as Monkey Face. At the hightes point of the hike I stepped out on a huge rock and had some people I met on the way snap some shots of me .

It wasn't a long hike, only about four miles or so but the terraine was tough. I couldn't tell you which was worse going up or coming down because the trail is very narrow in some spost with alot of loose volcanic pebbles which make it like walking on ball-bearings, but it was very exciting.

Is Everybody Having a Good Time?

2007-02-08T06:50:00.000-08:00

Went to bed kinda tired and down last night, but woke up fresh and back to normal (normal for me at least). I think it's just the "day in day out" grind that kinda got to me. It's really time for a vacation or something. The job has gotten repetitive and my enthusiasim is fading...It's time for some fun!

Maybe I'll take some time off in March and take some day trips...those are fun. I don't know, but I've got to do something to perk myself up. Hell if I don't do it myself nobody else will.

I guess it's hard to keep a fresh attitude about things during the winter months. I've always had trouble with that no matter where I've lived. But at least I've gotta try to wake up and have fun again.

Strange Day

2007-02-07T05:51:00.000-08:00

It was a strange day all the way around yesterday. It got up to nearly sixty-five! I was off work, but I didn't really have much energy...I did manage to finally get up on the roof and take down the Christmas lights. Other than that it was kinda boring.

I found myself getting depressed toward evening. Part of it was boredom I think...nothing is fun when you have to do it all alone. Then ofcourse there was the usual yelling and screaming about nothing.

Like I said in my last post "you get used to it",(not really).

You Get Used To It

2007-02-06T17:14:00.000-08:00

I guess you get used to the mood swings...
The yelling...
The screaming.
It doesn't effect me as much as it did two years ago.
You get used to it.
But your life does tend to pass you by...
And you begin to wonder if this is it...
The minor leauges?
The way the "unhappy people" live?
Do I belong here?
Did I do something bad?
Am I a bad person?
Do I deserve this?

Mr. Beer

2007-01-30T11:02:00.000-08:00

I just botteled my first batch of home-made beer. Becky got me one of those kits for Christmas. It's kind'a fun. I mixed up a two gallon batch three weeks ago and let it sit in the closet. Now it has to sit for a week then I chill it fow a few days and yehaw!

Waiting Out Winter

2007-01-30T06:55:00.000-08:00

Winter is dragging on ...and on.....and on. I'm really looking forward to spring and summer this year. I'm planning a series of hikes and possibly a wilderness camping trip. I've even begun working out to get back into shape. The knee hurts a little bit now and then, but I think that's due to the cold.

My goal this year is to reach the top of The South Sister which is an active volcanic mountian here in the cascades. It's almost 12,000 feet so it will be challanging. That won't happen till August or September though because I want to wait for most of the snow to melt up there. In the mean-time there are pleanty of other places to go.

Back Home

2007-01-26T08:32:00.000-08:00

I was in Southern Oregon for the past five days. It was a business trip but I did manage a side trip to Northern California. I had never been there before so it was kinda exciting.

I Needed Time To Think

2007-01-16T17:48:00.000-08:00

I stayed away from here because I felt I was getting waaaaaay too whiney...so I just stopped. Now I'm back ......
"And the adventure continues"....

2006-11-22T06:43:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATT!!!

Dreading Work

2006-11-19T06:36:00.000-08:00

I’m dreading going to work this morning. There is just so much I need to do, but I know damn well that other things will come up that need to be handled right away and the “to do list” will continue to grow.

I was so tired when I got home last night…it’s the dampness…and grayness…and just plain old winter that does me in. We had some beef short ribs last night so that took the alkies away…then I watched “The Replacements” for ‘bout the one millionenth time. After that I stretched out and began reading Bill O’Reylly’s latest…it’s actually pretty good.

So anyway it’s time to begin my routine.

Out For Homer's B-Day

2006-11-18T06:43:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was Brandon’s birthday so we took him and his friend Timmy out to dinner. We went to a Japanese place where they cook at your table it was fun…the boys weren’t too impressed but we had a good time.

A Happy Place

2006-11-16T18:22:00.000-08:00

Trying to get to a happy place in my mind tonight…it’s not working too well. I’m trying to remember how it felt to get home at night and be greeted by a “hi hon” Or to pull up to my sister’s place and here a “hey Den wazup?” Or have Donna and Roger walking in and help themselves to my booze. Or walk into Tap City on National Avenue and have everyone stop and say hi. Or my daughter walk over to the house and say “hi daddy”. And I’d just about do anything right now to here mini-me call me “papa” again. Then there is Mr. Matt with his “Hey UD”. And it would be nice to hear someone call me Denny again (in person).

Trying very hard not to feel sorry for myself tonight…really hard…but it is hard with the holidays coming. I have had to work every holiday since I got out here, but for this Thanksgiving I caught a break…I can have off. I came home tonight to spread the good news…I should’ve kept it to myself. I was told that I’m not allowed in the kitchen unless she needs help. I countered with “Why don’t you let me cook this time?” “No way, your cooking isn’t very good.”

“Ouch Baby”

That hurt really bad.

I don’t know…is it true? Has everyone just been humoring me all these years? I’ve been doing holiday dinners and parties and cook outs and tail-gate bashes for years. Has it all been in my mind? Do I really suck at it? Has everyone just been lying to me when they complimented me?

This is bad…really bad.

Cooking has always been one of my great stress relievers…something I really enjoyed. Now to be told I can’t even help? Might as well just go to work. Is McDonalds open on Thanksgiving?

Awe...it's been the same thing with everything about me since I moved here. The way I talk, the way I move... my eyes...my love-makong (ouch again baby)...all the things nobody has ever voiced an issue with me over before are now my major faults! Can this be right? Have I been walking around in a fantasy world in regards to how people percieve me? Do I in fact really suck at everything I thought I was good at? Hmm...this kinda changes things if it's true. Am I not who I think I am?

"Could be trouble for our hero"

Let me think on this concept for a minute.

I'm just tired I guess. I feel like I'm getting punched out here. (Time for some ROCKY theme music).

OK...Who's Got My Sausage?

2006-11-16T06:31:00.000-08:00

My sister usually sends me my favorite garlic sausage from The Wisconsin State Fair. She sent it this year along with my favorite kick-ass salsa. Items you can only get in Wisconsin. THEY NEVER SHOWED UP!!! She may have sent it to my old address, but it should’ve been forwarded or at least sent back to her. Included in her package were some Miller High Life shirts and hats! All of my favorite things!

Time to round up my posse! Somewhere in Central Oregon some yahoo is wearing my stuff and chompin' on a two foot garlic sausage. We won’t rest ‘till the culprit is brought to justice!

My New Defense

2006-11-14T08:34:00.000-08:00

I’m figuring out that I have some specific mechanisms for combating feelings of depression or insecurity or the plain ‘ol blahs. I’ve always had them I think just didn’t recognize them as methods of combating bad moods. They have turned out to be things that I always used to do but haven’t in a while because they tend to get me into trouble around here.

Number one is singing out loud when I’m putzin or cooking or whatever. I like to sing old Roy Orbison or Elvis (THE KING) tunes. Trust me that never very big around here. Then there’s turning the music on loud and dancin’ around. This has worked the best if I’m listening to The Stones. Needless to say another lead balloon here.

Cooking. I used to spend the whole day sometimes inventing concoctions like my “Orange Chicken Surprise” or “Bunch ‘O Brats In Kraut”. Nobody seems to like that stuff much here. Plus it has to be done with the music on to put me in the mood…no good here.

Talking is another one. I love to talk; bounce things off other people get their take on an issue or problem I may be having. I my current living arrangement it’s called whining….DENIED!

So alas I’ve been forced to limit these behaviors to the confines of my 1998 Ford Taurus (not the cooking though). However I have finally found an attitude that relieves the stress and anxiety and at the same time displays my feelings of rebellion….

A Good Mood

2006-11-14T06:04:00.000-08:00

I woke up in a pretty good mood this morning. I had the usual panic attack at about 2am when I got up to take a leak, but I’m getting used to that. The reason I’m in a good mood is because I instant messaged with a dear old friend from my past life a couple of times during the day yesterday. We talked about nothing earth shattering, just everyday stuff, we teased each other and laughed about life’s little things. Neither one of us had an agenda other than to be each other’s friend. It was great to just be me again for a few minutes and not be afraid. Thanks “S”!

2006-11-13T08:16:00.000-08:00

I found this cool site with all kinds of team logos. http://www.logoshak.com/

These are pretty cool...brings back a lot of memories for me.

My Weekend Is Here!

2006-11-13T05:42:00.000-08:00

My weekend is here! Got some work stuff to do at home and a meeting today but otherwise I’m off. Also have a plumber coming and stuff to fix, and fire wood to split, and errands to run, and….and…and!!!!!!! Otherwise I’m off

LOL

It snowed like crazy last night. Started when I left work….go figure. It was blowing hard out of the South. Guess which direction I was driving. You guessed it South! Almost zero visibility…not fun. But I made it Ok…always do.

Again I went to bed kinda early. Cut up some fire wood and had a couple of Miller Lites first though and had a pretty good dinner.

Tried to watch the end of a football game but fell asleep.

Oh yeah, the Packers beat the Vikings yesterday! That’s a good thing.

View From The Coast

2006-11-12T09:28:00.000-08:00

Here are some shots I took while on the Pacific coast in Northern Oregon this summer.
And ofcourse I couldn't resist throwing in one of "Our Hero"!

Wind Me Up

2006-11-12T04:42:00.000-08:00

I’ve been tired a lot lately. I get home from work at night and I’m just spent. I have been crashing out as early as eight lately. I don’t feel sick or anything just stressed and mentally tired. It’s winter here too and it gets dark before I even get home so I suppose that has something to do with it. I do get up early though as you can see by the post times on this page. It’s just kind of boring around here at night too.

This life is such a far cry from my old one. There’s just not enough happening in this area at night to keep me motivated. Plus I never know what kind of mood my partner is in so I usually camp out in my room and fall asleep. I can’t have my TV on too loud and I definitely cant listen to music very well because she claims to have this superior hearing and yells if it goes up over three!....So I don’t bother trying very often.

I wonder if being tired is a form of depression? Could be I guess…don’t know. Before I came here I was almost never depressed except for right after Kathy died, but other than that rarely did I feel really down. During the last two years I’ve kinda slipped into a coma in regards to a lot of things. I just go to work and see what the day brings then come home and crash…kinda like a wind up toy I guess.

In the morning I’m wound up tight (right now). I feel energetic and creative, even optimistic! I know you can’t always gather that from my writing but for the most part I am. I go along like that all day ‘till about two or three then I start to get a little tired.

I leave work about four-thirty and it’ almost a forty minute drive….that’s when I get tired. It's a crazy drive sometimes especially in the winter. I go across the high desert and through a high pass and they don't always plow right away if it snows so I'm on edge alot. Also you are constantly on the look out for deer. I haven't hit one yet but have had alot of near misses.

Once I get home it’s pretty routine like I explained before then I crash and start the whole thing over.

Pretty boring.

Veteren's Day

2006-11-11T06:31:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to give a "shout out for all the vets who have and do protect and serve this great country. God bless them!

Let's Roll!

2006-11-11T05:49:00.000-08:00

I wish I had something profound to say this morning, but I don’t. Just getting up to go to work…again. I love my job, but I need more in my life than the job! I guess that’s the problem with having had such a full life at one point then reducing it to almost nothing. Leaves a lot of time for regret and self-pity.

Winter is here…that doesn’t help the feelings of depression one bit! On the drive home last night the wind was blowing across the high desert like I’ve never seen before. As the sun was setting I could see huge clouds of dust blowing across the fields and tumble weeds were flying everywhere. Talk about a feeling of desolation and bareness.

"Snap out of it Cliff! You know things really aren't that bad! You still have a lot to live for, you know that! "

Very true. Time to pick myself up and get going again. This really has been an adventure, but for some reason I get the guilts and blahs. Lonliness sets in when I least expect it and then I strat feeling sorry for myself. I forget why I chose to come here and loose faith that there really is a destiny here. I relly need to be a little tougher on myself when I start feeling that way. After all I've been in a lot worse spots and have come out of everyone of them in better shape. So come on let's roll!

Sitting In The Dark

2006-11-07T06:26:00.000-08:00

I got a lot accomplished yesterday considering I didn’t start ‘till two in the afternoon. I finished the shelves in the garage and put everything away. It looks pretty good. Today I’m going to organize my work bench a little and there are some leaky faucets I need to fix.

I feel asleep before ten last night which caused me to wake up about one-thirty. I hate it when that happens ‘cause I usually wake up feeling very depressed and lonely. It was too early to stay up and too early for coffee so I grabbed a bottle of water and sat on the back porch and smoked cigarettes.

I remember my dad (the original Papa) always getting up in the middle of the night when I was a kid. He’d sit in the kitchen with the lights off and smoke. Sometimes if I came down for a glass of water he would sit very quiet and say “Boo!” just before I turned the light on. He scared the shit out of me every time right up till the day I moved out at age eighteen.

I never really thought about it much then, but I do quite often now. In fact when I sit alone in the dark he is one of the people I think about. I wonder too I if he was thinking about some of the same things I think about. Was he sad or depressed? Did he think about the past and the way things might have been had he chosen another path in life? Did he ever just sit there and cry like I do sometimes? I wonder.

When you are a kid you never think about your parents as people who have problems. At least I didn’t. All the troubles in the world and in there’s kept from us when we were small. I think that’s a good thing in many ways. When I was a kid I was allowed to be a kid. I was allowed to run and play and explore the world…(well the neighborhood anyway). We weren’t blasted and bombarded about news of the economy and the war in Korea. Issues of the day were kept to black and white for us. We weren’t forced to make any moral or life-style decisions at an early age as kids are forced to do now. We accepted the decisions and beliefs of are parents. That was law and you not only obeyed it you accepted it. We were taught love of God and country in that order. We were told to respect our teachers and policemen and the flag. We were taught the Ten Commandments and prayed every night as a family.

It’s just my opinion, but I believe this country would be a much better place if some of the practices used to raise children then were used now. There is plenty of time for the child to grow up and sit in the dark and worry or cry. Let the kids be kids. Raise them yourself. Don’t rely on the media and government or peers do the job for you. Keep it simple: black and white. There’s plenty of time to ponder moral implications and the global effects on commerce and bla…bla …bla.

Drifting Along

2006-11-06T05:22:00.000-08:00

It’s funny how the days just drift together. Day after day I just drift along with them. Sometimes I feel like I’m serving some kind of punishment, a prison term. It’s been more than four years now that I’ve felt this way. I just can’t seem to break free of the depression for more than a day or two at a time. I’ll get motivated about something then just let it go. I’ll start a project or a book and suddenly I just drop it. It’s hard to explain and even harder to experience.

The worst part of my existence right now is the memories. It’s not the memories themselves that are so bad, I have so many wonderful ones of Kathy; it’s the realization of what I had and chilling fact that I’ll probably never be that happy again.

You know that old adage; “You don’t know what you have until you loose It.”, it’s true, very true.

Don't Fuck With My Bratwhurst!

2006-11-04T06:02:00.000-08:00

Is everybody havin' a good time?!!!
I'm trying! Things at work are going better. I have a full staff for the firs time in almost a year. We are starting to get more things done and that's a good thing.

Home life is ok...ever since "the flying brat incident" I've been staying in my room and keeping my mouth shut. Oh I never mentioned the flying brats here did I? Well let's just say "somebody" had another temper tantrum recently and tried to see if bratwhurst can fly...that was pretty much the last straw in a long line of last straws for me. You can call me "stupid and dickless", you can you can call me "a pathetic excuse for a man",(those are actual quotes by the way), you can even tell me I am a terrible singer !!!!, but don't ever fuck with my brats!

Hangin' With David

2006-11-01T05:22:00.000-08:00

I just woke up.
I had a dream about David Hasselhoff (no I’m not gay!). It was a long dream and was pretty cool. We were at this very plush hotel…we worked there and I think he was my boss. He had this huge office and I kept going there to see him. I remember going up and down steps with him and we were always carrying guitars (I don’t play the guitar). We were also driving together. Sometimes he was driving KIT (the car from Knight Rider), and sometimes I was driving a red 1998 Ford Taurus (my car in real life). We were also by water a lot (must be a reference to Bay Watch) and one time in the dream I remember being concerned ‘cause I parked with one wheel in the water.

In another part of the dream I went to a hotel room to do something for the guests (which is what I do in real life), and the room was trashed…furniture moved so I couldn’t move very well. There was this fat Muslim guy laying on the couch and this hot Muslim chick just hanging around…then they left. Then suddenly I was standing in a garage of what seemed to be a home in a poor part of town. There was a problem involving a small boy and a woman, but I can’t recall the problem, but I guess I fixed it ‘cause the next thing I knew I was back in David’s office telling him about it.

End of dream. Weird.

Good News!

2006-10-31T06:06:00.000-08:00

Im a Grandfather Again! Hannah Cathryn was born to my daughter and her husband on Monday night. I don't have pictures yet but will post when I do.
It's sad that they are all so far away...but still not even seeing her I have this wierd paternal feeling again...I somehow knew she was here even before recieving the call.
This is my first granddaughter so I'm excited to get to shop for little girl things again after so many years.
Winter has come to the high dessert...it's only seven above!
Oh by the way, Happy Halloween!

Day In Day Out

2006-10-13T06:41:00.000-07:00

I'm just so sick of just existing. Trudging through life feeling unappreciated and unloved. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong out here. I'm begining to not even care.
I'm just so fuckin' tired of feeling this way. I want to live not just exist.

The Adventure Continues

2006-10-11T17:52:00.000-07:00

Today marks two years since I moved out here. I must say these two years actually crawled by. That’s not to say they weren’t good times, it’s just that the two years were filled with so many intense situations. Because I was new to the area and the culture (yes, there is a Huge cultural difference between the West and the Mid-West), the normal day to day problems and situations sometimes became much more difficult and intense. It has been like being born again…everything was somehow new again and that’s cool and kind of exciting, but it was also little scary at times.
During these past two years I’ve tried a lot of new things and saw a lot of beautiful things that I never dreamed I’d see. The mountains are beautiful and that’s putting it mildly. Snowboarding was a great thing to try…I was very proud of myself. Because of my job I got to travel the North West by car and plane and it was awesome. I fell in love with the city of Seattle and I made some new friends on the shores of the Pacific in Seaside, Oregon.
There is no doubt that the adventure I set out on two years ago has yielded some great experiences and memories. The out come so far is nothing like I imagined it would be, but I guess that’s what an adventure is all about.
I’m still living with the woman I came out here for. That too was nothing like I expected, but all in all it’s been good…different and not always great, but good. I think I love her, but after two years I’m not positive. She has been a little rough on me and at one point I was seeing a couple of other women (go figure!), but we always drift back together. I’m still convinced there is a purpose to my leaving my past life so abruptly and coming here, but I don’t think it has been revealed to me yet.
So let year three begin and we’ll see what happens. This evening I made a promise to myself to let the spirit of adventure that took me out here take hold of me again, and stop worrying so much and just go with the flow.
Let the adventure continue!

Really Tired

2006-10-06T18:38:00.000-07:00

Really tired tonight...work has been tough...two guys short and it's starting to stress me out....But I'll survive.

Was good to get home, jump in the shower and put it all behind me.

Not a whole lot to say tonight though. I still think the world is going to hell. There was some kind of Bush protest on the street last night. Wierd. How can you protest one person? How about some reasonable alternative suggestions? I'm not hearing them...Hello!

Oh wait... we can we can bring our troops home and try negotiations....that might work...right? Again I say HELLO!

Ranting and Raving

2006-10-04T18:28:00.000-07:00

No I didn’t die on the operating table…the operation was a piece of cake and the recovery was speedy thanks to Pekacet and Miller Lite. I’m back to work and doing fine.

So what the hell is happening to the world? It’s going to Hell in a hand basket if you ask me. During my recovery I watched as these foreign dip shits visited for the United Nation’s general assembly. Why have we as a nation become so passive? We should’ve booted those two shits out here! Actually we should boot the whole UN out. Who needs ‘em? How dare they pick on the US! After all our country has done and continues to do for the world!
And what really pisses me off is these idiots who are Americans side with them! It’s suddenly like its bad to be an American…Like we are the evil ones! I don’t get it. We need to stand together. Never forget that we are a sovereign state and need to protect that. I can’t stand the fact that people get sucked into this whole world order thing… no such animal! There is a reason we are a strong nation.. we work hard and we are a fair nation…maybe not always right….but always committed.

A Few Notes

2006-08-22T08:46:00.000-07:00

I called a knee specialist yesterday, but can’t get into see him until the 31at! In the meantime the pain continues and walking isn’t very pretty. The three of us went out to dinner last night and that all but whipped me out, don’t know how I’m gonna get through class tomorrow and Thursday…it should be interesting.

Today I’m gonna stay off of it as much as possible but tonight I have to go out to the resort and set up the room for tomorrow…Becky said she’d help if I wanted her to.

I switched down to lighter smokes in p[reparation for my quitting date of Sept. 1st. I am determined to do it this time. We shall see.

My partner has a good shot at a job at the hospital…if she gets it we can start getting money together to move the rest of my stuff out here.

On Injured Reserve

2006-08-21T09:24:00.000-07:00

I’m on the injured reserve list. My right knee had been bothering me for a few days…kinda popping in and out, but yesterday morning I woke up in so much pain I couldn’t move it! Went to the ER where they said I may have torn some cartilage! I have been referred to a knee specialist. What next! IT REALLY HURTS!!!!!

Taking The First Step

2006-08-19T07:32:00.000-07:00

I worked the evening shift last night….boring! It’s almost seven-thirty in the morning and I don’t know if I’m working during the day today or if I have to go in and cover the night shift again…I have to call that kid in a bit and find out if he will be in or not. I called him last night and he wasn’t sure…not too considerate.

About Seattle….I decided to apply for the transfer. I have to get formal permission from my boss and his boss and his boss’s boss! Soooo I talked to my boss and explained that I just want to see if I would even be considered and that it has nothing to do with him. He was pretty positive about it and encouraged me to at least try can always turn down any offer without affecting my current job. I just want to know I the company feels I’m good enough for a larger market. Then I can decide.

I feel really bad about not telling my partner, but shit I just need to know what my options are before I open up a big can of worms around here,

I put in for a personal day for next Friday and a weeks vacation starting on the 16th of Sept. I just need time out!

Coming or Going?

2006-08-18T07:27:00.000-07:00

Lately I don't know if I'm coming or going as far as work goes. I have a very young employee who normally works the evening shift...his mom is in the hospital...he's been coming into work then in the late afternoons he says he has to go leaving no coverage. I covered on my day off Monday and another employee covered last night. I spoke to the employee who's mom is sick when he came in yesterday and asked he would be able to work the full shift till nine and he said yes, but as soon as I got home at three he called and said he had to leave! We got coverage from a guy who was in my class so I didn't have to go back. Then this morning I was ready to go to work and he called and said he can't come in today 'cause he was tired from being at the hospital yesterday! Sooooo....I have to work the night shift! Yuck!

I can't really plan my days this way can I?

I'm crabby and burned out. Facilitating these classes has certainly put a strain on me...one more to go next week and I should be done til 07!!!

I'm going to finally take some vacation time in the middle of next month. Haven't taken ANY time off since November and that was just two days when we moved. I'm not planning anything special just don't want to go to work or answer the phone!

The Adventure Is Stalled

2006-08-17T05:27:00.000-07:00

I woke up at one this morning in the throws of an anxiety attack just like the ones I was having during the sale of my house. I just lay there asking myself the same old questions: what am I doing with my life? Why am I not Happy? Am I really as fucked up as I feel right now? Where has the sense of adventure gone?

the adventure has stalled I guess. Just like my life was stalled when Kathy died. It's become a grind again only this time I face the grind pretty much on my own. I've reach a time in my life where I can pretty much do what I want, but the problem is : WHAT DO I WANT?

I fell trapped because of some kind of loyalty. I feel afraid to move on...to take a chance again. I've lost my nerve and I'm not sure how to get it back.

Crazy Night

2006-08-15T08:48:00.000-07:00

What a crazy night! It started out normal enough...till l statd the fire and dragged out the boom box. Drank wat too much rolling rock and got a little rowdy. You know we've had too much when we start singing duets! Then I got a little wierd and started tossing my empty bottles at the fence LOL...guess I had a little tension to work off! Feels good to cut loose now and then.

See...we do get along for short periods of time.

Just Thinking

2006-08-14T08:45:00.000-07:00

Lots of thought running through my head this morning. Thinking about the future a lot. Thinking about the past too. It’s getting close to the fourth anniversary. Can you believe it? Four years since she died. Believe it or not I still have days where it seems like a bad dream. I still slip and think she’s still out there in the kitchen back home mixing a drink or cooking something special. There are times when I can still here her voice. There are so many times when I just want to talk to her just one more time. Especially now when I feel so lost without her. I want to apologize for all the stupid things I’ve done since she died. I want to explain that I was just so lost and lonely and scared when she left. I also want to tell her that she truly was the love of my life.

I’m thinking about the present too. I’m sitting here asking myself if I’m happy. I guess I am with certain aspects of my life. I am happy with my job some days I’m happy with my relationship with my partner, but that feeling doesn’t last very long. I keep hoping things will change for the better. I keep thinking and hoping that more time will make things better. But then I keep thinking that time is just slipping away from me. I want to be happy NOW!

My co-workers are encouraging me to apply for a position that has become available in Seattle. I have a good chance of getting it too. I am afraid to even apply because that would mean leaving her. She already told me she won’t come with me and that really hurt. But, what else is new…she always hurts me in one way or another. I’m just afraid to go. I sick as it sounds this live has become my comfort zone. I’m not really happy, but at least I’m not alone.

Not Much To Say

2006-08-12T06:01:00.000-07:00

Saturday morning and of course I have to work. What a bummer. Oh well.

Had a nice evening last night I cut the front lawn and had some beers while Becky cooked steaks on the grill. Went to bed pretty early.

Today should be a ball-buster and tomorrow looks about the same.

My partner has been sooooo nice to me the last two day or so…I wonder what’s up. LoL…

Actually we get along ok; it’s just that I’m so used to her being on the crabby side so when she’s sweet I get suspicious. What a strange relationship. I guess it could be worse though so I won’t complain.

Summer is slipping by…it’s been fun. Not looking forward to winter because you never know what it’s going to be like here. The mountains look pretty in the winter though.

Not much to say this morning just trying to get back into the habit of writing daily.

Sept. is coming fast and that’s when I’ve decided to quit smoking…we’ll see wont we? I really need to…too expensive and I get out of breath really fast these days. The last time I quit I broke out in no fooling it was crazy! But I did well for about three months. I was pretty proud of myself too.

Well suppose II should jump in the shower and get ready for work. Whoopie!!!!!

So Much Drama!

2006-08-11T06:33:00.000-07:00

Well I got through the class, but it was very challenging. So much drama in some people's lives it blows my mind! Some of the people we employ just don't seem to have a clue! No work ethic at all! It's just "me, me me!"

If I wouldve behaved the way some of these young ones do I would've gotten my ass kicked by some of my old bosses! But of course the world has changed. We now have to be sensitive to thier percieved needs and feelings. What a bunch of bull shit! What some of these punks need is a good kick in the ass!

What happened to respect and the pride in your work? Why do so many young ones feel that they are owed a job? Pardon my language, but the work force is becoming a bunch of selfish pussies.

I got news for you guys: the world doesn't owe you a living! You have to work hard and prove yourself! The job or life for that matter isn't supposed to be fair. I don't know where that concept came from in the first place. Didn't your parents teach you anything?

Whew! Now that I got that out I'll go to work. LOL

I Need A Vacation!

2006-08-09T06:15:00.000-07:00

God I'm so burned out! It never seems to stop, not even on my days off! Today I go in and teach my class...at five am this morning one of my workers called in sick...the ac in one of the units went down yesterday so I had to get that fixed...phone never stops ringing...I'm going crazy!

Happy Birthday Sandy!

2006-08-08T16:28:00.000-07:00

Today is the birthday of one of the most beautiful women (inside and out!!!) that I've ever met. We've been friends for quite some time now and she's one of the people that I miss the most.

Happy Birthday Sandy!!!
Cliff

Update

2006-08-08T07:48:00.000-07:00

I've really been meaning to post more often, but things have been crazy at work. These classes I'm teaching take up almost all of my spare time. However, I only have three more to do and that will take us into September already. Where has the summer gone???!!!
So aside from the classes and the traveling, and the new boss and all the other work shit, here's the update;

My health has been good still smoke and drink too much beer, but have been serios about dumping the smokes in September and cutting down on the brewskies....I can hear my sis and Mr. Matt laughing thier asses off! Quiet you guys! No, I'm really goin to try this time, but for reasons other than my health...I want to start saving money...I want to buy another house within two or three years. Don't know where though. Homes out here are way over-priced...it's nuts! Still thinking about the Seattle area if I can transfer there, but that would probably mean leaving my partner...big decision.
About my partner; She's still out of work and getting more depressed by the day. There just isn't much out here in her field. We've been getting along OK, it's just such a different kind of relationship than I'm used to. I'm just not the type of guy she's used too either...I'm very easy going and complex at the same time. I switch gears fast and I like to dream. I love to talk and plan for the future, I love to have fun and I can make anything fun if you let me! She's the opposite, always with the negative waves...even worse than my first wife!!! But I deal with it...partly out of love but mostly out of some kind of wierd loyalty...I'm that way sometimes.

I'm off today, but have alot of errands to run some of which are work related...just can't get motivated yet but at least I'm writing!

Gonna run for now...back soon.

Pictures From Seattle

2006-07-19T13:36:00.000-07:00

A Note From The Road

2006-07-11T05:56:00.000-07:00

Well we made it through the first day of the two day class without too many screw ups. It was a long hard day...we were still going over practice tapes at nine p.m.! It was a very tiring day but alot of fun. Today is the half-day session but I'm sure it will be a full one for Autumn (my co-facilitator) and me. I am hoping to take a short drive down the cost this afternoon to take some pictures though.

It's kinda funny but I'm alittle homesick...been doing so much traveling the past two months that I've had very few days off at home. Most of my scheduled days off have been spent either on the road coming or going. This time I won't be home 'till late Thursday and I have to be back in the office early Friday morning.

I'm seeing alot of interesting places and meeting some very nice people in my travels...I guess that's why I moved out here in the first place! I should be happy about that...
and you know what?....
I AM!

Posting from the West Coast

2006-07-09T21:53:00.000-07:00

Im posting from the Oregon coast tonight. I'm in Seaside Oregon preparing to give a training seminar at our resort here. Very tired tonight...it was a five hour drive then another three or four hours setting up the room and going over last minute details with my co-facilitator. Nice little resort town here. I'm sure I'll have fun exploring during the next few days.

Time to get some sleep!

Anxious and Uneasy

2006-07-08T09:12:00.000-07:00

Feeling very anxious and uneasy this morning. Tomorrow I leave for the coast for five days. It’s a business trip. I’m excited about it, but at the same time kind of nervous as well. I’m getting burned out with work as it is and these extra responsibilities aren’t helping. I haven’t had a vacation in over a year except for these business trips but they are sometimes more work than work is.

My home life is as usual so-so. No direction there. She likes to drift from one day to the next without any real plan. I on the other hand NEED a plan. Even if it’s just a pipe dream…I need something to guide me…to drive me.to excite me! I’m working on moving all of my stuff out here so maybe when that’s done I’ll feel better.

No I Didn't Die!

2006-07-06T15:51:00.000-07:00

Sorry all for the long absence. Waaaaaaay too much had been going on to even think about posting. So much in fact that aside from my job I had gone into seclusion.

So... If anyone is still interested the big secret was I sold my house. Actually I pretty much gave it to my daughter and her husband. I just couldn't handle the stress and financial burden of owning property so far away. I feel much better about things now and letting go of the house has helped me let go of Kathy a little bit more.

I've been doing a lot of traveling for my job in the last two months as well. I'm a certified facilitator for a custumer care program my company purchased and have been doing classes at various resorts. It's alot of fun but a lot of work as well. I love it!

I'm still with my partner and we're doing OK. Sometimes you just have to accept things for what they are I guess.

Still don't have my own PC at home yet...that's probably the biggest reason I've been absent, but I'm planning on one soon.

Sorry this sounds so rushe, but I just wanted to quickly update everyone.

Will be posting on a regular basis from now on so I will be providing details and pictures.

Things May Be Looking Up!

2006-05-06T10:48:00.000-07:00

I can't let the cat out of the bag yet, but a serious problem in my life may on the way to being solved and when it is I'm sure I'll feel like a new man. It's something that has been haunting me for quite some time now and it has taken a serious toll on my mental and financial well being. That's all I can say for now, but I will 'fess up when it's all over.

My partner lost her job two weeks ago. She is begining to return to a more human state...a side of herI don't know too well , but I'm not complaining!

Work is going well just a little slow today, but the weather is great. this has been a long winter, but spring is finally here!

I Miss Writing

2006-04-14T14:39:00.000-07:00

First off I want to wish my little sister Pat a happy birthday(April12)!!!!!!

I feel terrible about not writing daily like I used to! I just don't have the time to squeeze it in at work...once or twice a week is the best I can do right now.

Things are goin well out here in the middle of nowhere. I still love my job and it's finally looking a little like spring so that helps my attitude. We are expecting alot of snow in the next few days though. Nothing like a good job and a little sunshine to keep your mind off your troubles.

Easter is almost here...I am building Becky a nice potting table for the back yard as her Easter presant. It's kinda fun having a project after work. I used to build things for Kathy all the time and I miss that. Becky seems alittle indifferent about it, but she had mentioned that she wanted one so I thought I'd build it for her. (what a great guy!LOL)

I've been very busy at work since my boss quit. I'm trying real hard to be somewhat of an assistant to our acting manager. I thjink she finally sees that it only LOOKS like I just walk around all day and crack jokes and that I actually am productive (I'm just so good at what I do that I make it look easy LOL!.

Before I go I want to say hi to all of my blogger friends...bear with me I will try to post more often.

More later!

Just One Calorie!

2006-04-05T11:40:00.000-07:00

I miss posting here but there has been so much going on at work with my boss resigning and all (plus the fact that I don't have consistant access to the home computer). So work has been crazy, but I'm looking forward to a business trip to Seattle in May. It's for customer service training so I can roll out some BIG motivational program at my resort and one in Southern Oregon. Looks like I'll be going down there pretty often this summer. COOL!

On the home front...(do we really wanna go there?)

My heart feels like Rocky Balboa looked at the end Rocky.

I take a lickn', but keep on tickin'.

Why?

Who knows...I'm an idiot.

I feel like Diet Coke...

Just one calorie...

Not quite good enough.

They say the truth hurts, but shit, this chick is alittle too honest.

Stagnation

2006-03-21T08:03:00.000-08:00

I am stagnating!
I woke up this morning and realized it. I want to go forward but for some reason I cant. I put things off till the last minute, I don't dream of the future...I only react to the day to day issues...sometimes I dont even do that. I need a good kick in the ass like Kathy used to give me.

Where I'm at isn't helping much. I don't mean the location as much as the relationship that I'm in. I'm not strong enough to endure irratic behavior. I'm no longer tough enough to just walk out the door either.

Every night before I sleep I try to tell myself that this is time for action...the time to just get going again...but by first light I'm just blah(for lack of a better word).

I guess it doesn't help to be somewhere where the winters last forever! It's always grey here...nothing like the Midwest. It's just been such a long uneventful winter. Boring and you all know how easily I get bored!

No Title

2006-03-16T11:56:00.000-08:00

Wow it's been a week since I last posted! This is horrible!!!
I can't get much computer time at home 'cause it's Homer's computer, and I am in the process of moving my office and just today could I finally get some privacy at work. But guess what? now that I'm on I don't have any inspiration!!!
Go figure!
Anyway to my friends who stop by, be patient with me..."I'll be back"

This Kinda Sucks

2006-03-09T08:12:00.000-08:00

Posting from work kinda sucks but I don't want to loose the habbit of posting as often as I can...I guess I'm addicted!
Nothing special has been going on other than the fact that its snowing like hell this morning.

Just Wondering

2006-03-07T09:20:00.000-08:00

Hmmmm.......
Another day in paradise!
Yeah right, whatever!
What a life!
Don't know what to write so I'll just babble for a sec.
So much I want to do today but I have no energy.
Just want to veg out.
Had one too many beers last night...just sat by the fireplace and stared.
Paying for it this morning.
Question:
Have you ever been with someone but still felt alone?
This is a new feeling for me and I was just wondering if anyone else has ever felt that way.

My Friday!

2006-03-05T10:20:00.000-08:00

It’s Sunday…my Friday!
It’s shaping up to be a long busy day, but no worries.
Another good workout after work last night…starting to feel stronger every day.
Home life is so-so,but what else is new!
Missing my computer at home, but then again not too much. Mostly I miss reading other blogs and my e-mail friends.
Here's a shout out to Mr. Matt, Suzann, Bill, Anne, Pat, Sandy, Sue, and all the other folks who swing by from time to time!

Damn!

2006-03-04T13:03:00.000-08:00

Damn, I had so many thoughts I wanted to post when I got up this morning, but after the ride to work and my initial chores around here I kinda lost them.

I’ve been in a good mood the last few days and I attribute that partly to eating and sleeping better and exercising. Plus music is back in my life to a degree. I wasn’t even turning on the car radio the last month or so! That’s how down I was. Spring is coming and I feel energized again.

Just an Update

2006-03-03T11:32:00.000-08:00

Things are pretty ok.
I’ve gotten back to my workout routine here at the resort. I spend about an hour and a half after work every night. Hell I’ve got full free use of three state of the art gyms and pools I may as well start using them again. I already feel a lot better about things. I guess if I’m not happy or appreciated at home I should spend more time away getting involved in things I like to do. I also feel more energetic.

I also started listening to my music again…funny how it can lift your spirits. I does make me think of Kathy more though. I wonder what shed say if she were here to see what’s been going on? LOL…let’s not even go there! I already know I’m gonna be in deep shit when I see her on the other side!

Hanging In There

2006-03-01T12:05:00.000-08:00

Well my computer at home is dead but I'm ok!
I'll just have to post from work for a while.
I'm gonna hold off on buying a new system. I'm having the kids fixed so he doesn't have a stroke and move it into his room. I will then have more privacy in mine!
The only real problem with posting from work is that I find it hard to reach deep into my thoughts and feelings when I'm in my office with the phone ringing, cell phone ringing, and the two way radio going off.
I found out this morning that I may have an exciting oppertunity offered me regarding work...it involves traveling some and giving some sort of motivational training to other resorts...its not a done deal or anything but I was asked if I was interested and I said yes.
So we shall see...
Maybe the adventure isnt over...
It may well be just starting!
I'm also scheduled to be in Seattle for a week in June for a department head seminar. Maybe things will get exciting career-wise if not relationship wise.
Hmmmmm....maybe there are other reasons I'm here!

Bad News From The Computer Hospital

2006-02-25T11:26:00.000-08:00

From what the Geek Squad at Best Buy says my computer is terminal. Don't know how many of my pictures I will ever be able to recover. Im not in the position to buy a new one right now so I'll have to go without for the time being. I will continue to post from work but it's not quite as much fun.
On other fronts not much has changed. My moods are all over the map and little problems like the computer and last months car issues just kinda make everything close to unbearable, but I keep pushing on. I keep telling myself that things will work out in the way that should. Some days are harder than others to keep my sanity, but I'm not a quitter and I never give up hope.

I'm OK!

2006-02-22T08:11:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone! I'm OK! Thanks for all of the comments...worrying bout me....
My computer at home is down so I can only post at work. It's not a virus or anything I dont think. It just wont power up! So I'm gonna have to take it to the computer hospital!
But again thanks everyone for your concern...means alot to me really.
Will post more later gotta earmn my big bucks!

WTF!

2006-02-15T06:05:00.000-08:00

I don't know whether to be angry or sad.
Nothing...
Nada...
Zip!
Not even a "Happy Valentine's Day Den".
I'm starting to feel like an old fool out here.
As broke as I am I run out and get a nice gift...
only to feel stupid.
How many times am I going to be hurt before I get it?
Duh!
I wanna go home!
I'm beating a dead horse here. She isn't for me and she just wants me because she doesnt want to be alone.
Shit I really fucked up my life this time!
Getting out of here would be no easy thing.
Number one I have the best job I've ever had! I'd really miss it and finding one as good back home would be pretty tough.
Plus....youre gonna laugh at this one...I'd miss her so bad.
So what do I do?
I need advice.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2006-02-14T06:46:00.000-08:00

OK... now I'm trying to keep a positive attitude here. I'm (was) a big holiday person and so was Kathy. There was not a holiday too small that we didn't do something for. We not only had a christmas tree...we had Valentine's tree, an Easter tree, and a St. Patrick's day tree! I kid you not we really did! The entire house and yard were decorated...It was awesome. Oh yeah we even had a Packer tree there for awhile. All those things I came to see as a normal part of my life are now gone...gone with her...gone, just gone. I still did some of the stuff when I was still in Milwaukee, but it just wasn't much fun decorating all by myself. I was excited when I first moved here that I would once again have someone to share those things with. BIG DISSAPOINTMENT! The first time I talked about it my new "family" looked at me as if I were crazy. I later realized that I was lucky that they made an effort for Christmas! I'm not putting them down or anything...it's not thier fault...we all live our lives differently that's all. But I still miss it.

Sooooo...when holidays roll past not only do I miss Kathy and the rest of my family...I am sadly reminded that life as I knew it and expected it to always remain is gone.

I have to say that this Christmas was pretty good...just different and quick no three month build-up like we had when Kathy was here. No evenings of sippin drinks and planning. No marathon shopping trips... no advanced cooking prep or treats for the kids and grandkids...sigh I miss it all I really do.

OK enough feeling sorry for myself it's time to get some stuff done around here!

"If You Can't Rock Me...Somebody Will!"

2006-02-12T06:40:00.000-08:00

Look out everyone...today I woke up with rnergy of Mick Jagger and the craziness of Kieth Richards! I'm sporting the tennacity of Rocky Balboa and the irresistable good looks of ...well...me!

I'm ready for anything!

Homesick

2006-02-10T06:55:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning engulfed in feelings of homesickness.
I miss my family...I miss my house...I miss everything!
It's not a sad feeling though...I can't really describe it. It's just like..."What the fuck am I doing here?"
Oh well, end of the Friday morning pity party...got a busy day ahead. I have five interviews set up at work today(why do I torture myself?) I have to fill this position and there isn't much to choose from. Plus we don't pay very well for this position which makes it even tougher to find somebody good.
I'm sure I'll have a sore throat by the end of the day from talking. So many other things I need to get done but at least my assistant is working today.

Mama's Bible

2006-02-09T06:38:00.000-08:00

A friend sent this to me and I just have to share it!

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors andlawyers and prospered.Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussedthe gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away inanother city.The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."The second said," I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in thehouse."The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you knowshe can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacherwho told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twentypreachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 ayear for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has toname the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."The other brothers were impressed.After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.She wrote:"Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I haveto clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.""Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered,so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.""Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'mnearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.""Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give alittle thought to your gift. The "chicken" was delicious. Thank you."Luv Ya, Mama

A Retreat

2006-02-09T06:13:00.000-08:00

Tuesday morning I headed out to the resort and spent the day and night at one of the chalets. It was a nice little chunk of alone time which I discovered I needed more than I thought. I just spent the day reading, watching my Star Wars dvds, eating, and sippin on Miller High Life. Boy it really doesn't get any better than that. I also did the whirlpool bath thing and of course tha hot tub...(not quite the same all by ones self but I can live with that.
No major rediscoveries or anything like that just a nice peaceful 24 hours.

What To Do?

2006-02-03T06:16:00.000-08:00

Days just seem to run together. There sometimes seems to be no reason for things...just keep going.
I've realized that I don't seem to have a purpose anymore. No goals, no dreams. I'm suddenly just following everyone else..moving but going nowhere. Seems like the last goal I had was to move out here. Then I stopped! I'm wondering this morning what the hell happened. It's not at all like the old me to just go through the motions. I used to always have some scheme up my sleeve, something to look forward to...something to do. Now I just kind of drift along with no ambition. No real lust for life anymore.
Oh sure, I still have my moments, like when I went snowboarding...but shit that was a year ago! I think my living situation changed me. I really don't have the partner in crime that I thought I'd have. She lives her life in a routine of work,Tv, reading and crossword puzzels...yuck! Not for me! So I just kinda sit and watch things go by. At first I rebelled tried to find things to do, but it really isn't fun doing things alone. At least I don't think so. I've always needed someone to push me on a bit. Kathy and I were always up to something goofy. Man that seems like a million years ago. Then after she was gone there was my sister who always had the time to get involved with my projects, go to ball games, shopping and stuff.
Leave it to me to drive 2000 miles to get trapped in limbo. There doesn't seem to be anyway out. Sometimes I don't know if I want a way out. Something really did break inside of me I think.
I'm doing really well at my job. I was nominated for department head of the year for the entire northern region the other day. I'm told I'm doing great,but you know what? I'm barely trying. Just drifting...doing what I need to do...not like me at all!
What to do ....what to do?

God I miss this guy!